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I’m fairly fresh out of a really intense relationship that’s nearly destroyed me. Naturally I’ve been thinking a lot about why it was so intense and how I might someday find that again. In the end I think connection boils down to my ability to be honest with someone.
When I think about love and relationships (romantic and otherwise) at the end of the day what I need most of all is to feel understood for who I am and supported to be that way. In order to really feel loved I need to figure out how to actually show someone who I am.
It’s so hard to build a relationship with someone. Somewhere along the way we give up so much of who we are to make the relationship work. Compromises and small lies and little annoyances pile up until we’ve totally changed who we are and we don’t even realize it. We chain ourselves to the radiator of who we need to be, we lose who we actually are. It becomes harder and harder to be honest with your partner because you are worried about hurting them. Loving and caring for them gets in the way of being honest and takes priority.
But that doesn’t work. At some point the lies add up. We look in the mirror and notice that we don’t connect anymore. The protection of the lies has turned into barriers for connection. Maybe that’s what people mean when they talk about puppy love. The puppy love is what we feel before the compromises start to set in. We feel seen because we haven’t started trying to save the relationship
Somehow it was easier with her because I knew the relationship was doomed. I wasn’t trying to save anything, keep anything together. I could be honest about who I was because I wasn’t scared of losing her. I never expected anything to come of it, it allowed me to just be honest about who I was. I was able to be honest in a way I never really realized I had failed at doing before. I was honest, and she loved me for it anyway. Today that’s what makes it so hard to get over, tomorrow I’m sure it will be something else.
In conclusion: If I ever try to do this thing again I pledge to be honest. Once again I’ll rip open my chest and let you see all my wounds from the inside.