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I know I write these letters mostly for myself. The process of writing helps me settle and set free my insane little brain. I try to spare you mostly of the things I write, but the editing and sending has some additional effect on me that’s hard to describe. On a number of occasions I know I have tried to describe to you how I feel about the thoughts in my head. One of my strongest held beliefs is that thoughts and feelings do not exist unless they are shared with others. It’s almost stronger than that with these, I am going mad holding these thoughts inside of me. I share them to set them free.
I find it unfortunate that these letters mostly speak of me and my feelings. I would much rather write and inquire of you and yours. However, it’s been too long since you’ve responded for me to have much to say. I have infinite questions for you. As many days as there have been since we last spoke, I have questions about how they went. I still find myself obsessed with seeing the world through your eyes, listening to you talk about your experiences. Many random things in my life bring me the brief flash of your opinion. I think of you when I open my mouth in the shower at night, when I drink my coffee cold, when I curl into a ball in bed and imagine you doing the same. The list goes on and on. I find new songs and wonder if you’d like them. I talk to friends, and wonder what you’d think of their silly little lives.
I’ve never really been able to picture things in my brain. Memories for me are much more about how things felt than about what they looked like. For example, I am not sure I can picture your hands anymore but I can still remember what it felt like when you reached it out to mine. I can’t really picture your smile (although I look back through photos to find it) but I remember that it made me feel loved.
I have never doubted that what we felt about each other was real. I don’t believe that you and I are very good liars, at least not to each other. There are only a few things I held away from you, and I think maybe I was holding them away from myself too. I’m sorry this happened to us. I’m sorry I need you. I love you