on refusing to become a pessimist

Well, there goes another one. Another bit of rotting leftovers in the fridge. Watching her face slowly fall down the list. The cycle of crushed hopefulness continues. Another reason to close off, to remain guarded. Another reason to become a pessimist.

I keep something new every time. Like my tattoo, my jelly beans, my t-shirts. This time a hedgehog on my keys. I bought it to remember I don’t need to be trapped by the hedgehog’s dilemma. Her name will fade from my memory faster than the cut on my soul.

I am someone who attaches easily. I know that about myself. It makes it hard for me to date. I don’t know how to look into someone’s eyes and not see their soul. I don’t want to learn. I refuse to die by a million tiny cuts. If you are tired, do it tired. If you are hurt do it hurt.

But, to be honest with you dear reader, I am starting to be ready for the last one. I am ready for someone who will be gentle with me. Someone who will ask and not assume. Someone who understands that I attach easily, and that it should not be taken for granted. I am ready to be loved again. I am ready to love again

I do realize how dramatic I am. I like myself this way. Don’t ask me to change please.